The Most Intimate Relationship You’ll Ever Have
by Vidya McNeill
The one you are looking for,
is the one who is looking.
—Francis of Assisi
Life is not just a privilege – each person also
contains the seeds for actualizing their potential.
Considered to be the pinnacle of biological evolution, we human beings have the
capacity for “self-awareness” – to be conscious of a self that “I” call “Me.”
The Self is the most unique feature of experience. It is what
makes us human. Establishing a relationship with yourself is, at your most
vulnerable and deepest core, an invitation to discover and realize yourself.
Throughout the ages, most cultures and
societies, East and West, have esteemed the process of self-knowledge. Today,
we have available to us the many gifts of each Wisdom Tradition and can study,
synthesize, apply and live practical, self-aware lives utilizing a variety of
techniques and work-in technologies. From an Eastern point of view, pure
consciousness is our spiritual essence and the personality and ego is what we
identify with and present to others and the world.
The self we know is “self-conscious” and is
instinctively aware of its own subjective existence, while the self we don’t
know remains unconscious and hidden to awareness by the shadows of the
personality. Both aspects are not mutually exclusive. Rather, together they
constitute the paradoxical polarities that form the whole Self.
Through the miracle of wholeness, we are
hard-wired with pure awareness that is intricately woven into the fabric of the
universe. Consciousness is curious to experience itself in fullness through
you. Cultivating an intention to understand and experience the Self fully,
gives directionality to consciousness. With Consciousness at the center of
ourselves, we have the capacity to direct and shine the light of awareness in
any direction.
What we call Self is made up of a network of energy
and information, which gives us the innate ability to identify
with the unchanging and timeless aspect of ourselves. We naturally
cycle through states of consciousness: waking, dreaming, and sleeping each day.
Within waking and dreaming states there are phenomenal states,
which arise from interior sources such as bodily sensations, feelings and
emotions, thoughts, ideas and imagination, memories, intuitive insights and
spiritual inspirations. From exterior sources, the constant stream of
information enlivens us through our senses: seeing, hearing, touching,
smelling, and tasting.
To get to know your self, begin by asking the
fundamental question, “Who Am I?” pausing to sink deeply into the center of
yourself to listen attentively to your answer.
As you observe, ask:
- Who
is asking the question?
- Who
is listening?
- Who
is the silent witness observing my experience moment-to-moment through
what I’m sensing, feeling, thinking and intuiting?
- Who
is judging?
- Who
is criticizing?
- Who
is championing my way?
As you aim your attention toward the Self you
are learning how to remember that you are the Self. When you enter
into dialog with your interior self you realize that you are always being
guided toward the wellspring of lasting joy and happiness, even if the path is
difficult and challenging. If you truly listen to what the body is telling you,
what your dreams are showing you, what your core-desires feel like, you may
discover the many clues toward your path that leads to mind-body healing,
functional stress-free living and loving, actualization of your purpose and
eventual spiritual transcendence. This is one of the great secrets of the
world’s wisdom traditions.
One of my favorite models to help individuals
get to know themselves and take responsibility for their creations is framed by
mindfulness psychotherapist David Richo. His “5 A’s” – self-attention,
acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowance– are the central elements
that mindfully cultivate self-intimacy (in-to-me-I-see), genuine self-love and
happiness.
As I’ve engaged myself with an inner focus on
mining those hidden, un-owned sparkling jewels buried deep in the shadows of my
unconscious, it’s taken time to peel back the layers to reveal which wounds
were ready for transformation and which gifts are ready for liberation. By attending to
what my body tells me and honoring my 4 Doctor needs by grounding myself in
their values, I’ve been able to consciously change the quality of my
experiences as I recreate myself in wholeness giving me a healthy self-respect
for my life experiences.
My journey toward self-acceptance has
led me to see others as they are with less projections of what I need them to
be. As I have awakened to the vulnerable truth of who I am and who I am
becoming, I’ve become more comfortable with accepting my flaws, faults and
imperfections. It’s such a relief to come to home to oneself and be filled with
a tangible sense of peace that I am just fine, not perfect, just that “I
AM”. And, if this is true for me, it is certainly true for you. What
is happiness but the joy of loving what is?
Appreciation softens
my heart and increases my felt sense of self-worth and contribution. When I
recognize and appreciate my own preferences, quirks, gifts, talents and
differences, I become centered in my heart and I feel more generous in spirit.
By expressing appreciation with myself I see others with greater appreciation
for who they are, have compassion for their struggles and feel joy in their
achievements.
Affection means different things
to different people. How do you communicate affection to yourself? Do you speak
kind, encouraging words? Do you give yourself a break when you are tired and
over worked? Do you resist temptations that undermine your values?
Understanding your own authentic love language and 1-2-3-4 stages of loving is
essential to fully expressing and receiving healthy love. Sharing love awakens
the luminous love-light of wholeheartedness.
Lastly, allowance gives
me the freedom to pursue my own deepest needs, values and wishes while
simultaneously allowing others to do the same. It may sound selfish, but
when I discovered that I could put “I” before “WE” it was a liberating moment!
Allowing yourself to be Selfulness means filling up your Self
from the inside!
I have found through my own life journey that
the emerging states of my experiences have allowed me to grow and transform,
evolving in body, mind and spirit as I come to know myself at different stages
of my life. The cumulative blessings of a life-long practice have genuinely
supported my continued blossoming and integration as a human being.
As you connect to know yourself, seek to know
by Love as well as by observation and thought. Plunge into greater
participation with life. Go within. Breathe. Be a silent witness to what you
behold.
Committing to a relationship of love with your
Self is a never-ending process. As you willingly engage and peek into the
shadows, become fearless to embrace your whole Self with Love. Through
patience, facing your inner fears and acting with courage, you’ll emerge as a
wise, mature, capable, loving and happy human being.
May I show all the love I have
In any way I can
Here, now, and all the time,
To everything and everyone, including me,
Since love is what we are—and why.
Now nothing matters to me more
Or gives me greater joy.
–David Richo